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Unleash Your Courage: Evicting Toxic Humans

The burden and the gift of grief is a heavy one to carry.

Grief gives you the reminder of how much you care and love somebody but it also can be the emotional chains that tie you down in life. 

Somedays I wake up and feel great. The grey cloud of uncertainty that usually blankets all around me would disappeared for a few moments. Then without warning I hear something, I smell something, I see something and it is raining cats and dogs all over my heart.

Ambiguous loss was not on my 2023 bingo card. Begging and searching for answers to solve this deep depressing sadness. I learned the intense pain I was feeling was coming directly from something called ambiguous loss. It is soaked all over me like clothing I wear and in all of my thoughts. No matter how much I try to have a good day it always rears its ugly head, especially at night.

Ambiguous loss is described as a profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with the death of a loved one. There's no finality, it just hangs and lingers. Taunting you. I didn't even know it existed. In a nutshell the person you are grieving is still alive. To me, this has been the absolute worst kind of torture. 

When I love somebody or allow a person in my life I do so with my whole heart. I am a big feeler. I love deeply and I feel pain intensely. For what ever reason I used to let people in and share all my weakest points as if they were going to heal me. I would over share and give all my trust in thinking they would never hurt me. I would think this because I know I would never hurt them. I was constantly looking for validation from people who kept smacking my hand. A lot of hurt people do this without even realizing it.

I used to think I was a people pleaser by nature. I had this ingrained into me since I was young. Solving other peoples problems, your problems, my problems, it all seemed like a calling. Until, I went to enough therapy to learn that people who are people pleasers actually get a sense of fulfilment and joy out of fixing or helping. I solved problems out of fear and necessity.

This kind of behaviour started to bite me in the butt as an adult. I started to take on everybody's problems to fix in turn ignoring all my own that I needed to work on. I had no boundaries yet.

Somebody hacked your account, no problem I'll spend endless days trying to fix it! You don't have food here take all of mine! The list of ridiculous things I would do goes on.

My anxiety is the loudest when I don't know what is going on. Being left in the dust or worse in the dark is truly a gut wrenching experience for  me. Some people absolutely know this as one of my most vulnerable feelings and they have used this as the sharpest weapon against me. Others like my friends and the ones who do love me don't ever use my anxiety or mental health struggles as talking points and gossip. 

In the summer time I was challenged twice by big mass amounts of ambiguous greif. All while navigating actual grief from losing somebody I loved. Both people I trusted deeply, Both people I would have done anything for. Both people I blurred the lines of healthy boundaries because I was really so desperate for acceptance and approval. Both people had made it clear that they knew this.

When the one relationship came to a complete halt I did the thing I do the best. I tried to problem solve and then started to panic. I got upset and then when my anxiety kicked in I begged for answers. I pleaded to fix what had been done wrong in their eyes, even if I didn't actually do anything wrong. I was willing to say or do what ever it took to earn their forgiveness with little to no information.

After weeks of feeling like a wounded animal with a broken heart a lightbulb flicked on for me. I had set a boundary. I would not continue to be hurt and beg for people to like me. They didn't like my pushback. The narrative was spun and the story was set in their minds. I was easy to discard because I was now a liability, I grew a back bone. 

I saw a quote that really struck me "Cutting hurtful people off and letting them live with what ever delusional story suits them best is top tier self-care". Well excuse me while I enter my self-care era! Something has changed in my heart. I no longer feel a desperate need to be loved back by these hurtful people...and I am feeling strong. 

I can't believe how long I let some individuals take advantage of my kindness, or weakness, or whatever you want to call it. In the words of the most magical Taylor Swift...that part of me can't come to the phone right now why...because she's dead. The pushover is gone. I will never ever go back to allowing anybody to take my peace from me again. That door is closed.

My best advice to anybody who is suffering with setting healthy boundaries is to ask for help. Look around you at the strong people in your lives. Take note of what they could be doing that's helping them and apply that to yourself. The strongest women I know who don't put up with anybody shit are elementary school teachers, mothers, and therapists. You can get help in many ways from seeing a therapist, reading self help books, or talking to a trusted friend. There is always a chance for you to turn it all around and starting building your own iron wall of self confidence. 

When you stop focusing on the negative of the people that might not be treating you well, you will be able to open your eyes to see what's really around you. In my life the support is endless. I cut out as much negativity as I could and let me tell you...I am on my way to being my most healed version of myself. 

See you soon,

Love Naty

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